Return to Me Page 15

  The fact that her friend even had a daughter was still mind-blowing. In all the years they’d shared a house, Lilo had never mentioned wanting kids. A much sought-after photographer, she’d spent much of her time traveling from one photo shoot to the next.

  But apparently she’d also wanted to be a mother. And she’d made that dream happen.

  Ivana tried to ignore the hurt that pierced her chest. It wasn’t easy. When she envisioned her life at this age, it had included kids. Up until three years ago, it had included her and Jonathan’s children. Of all the things she’d lost when she decided to do her disappearing act, missing out on the chance to bring Jonathan’s child into this world hurt her the most.

  She never thought three short years would make much of a difference. But when those three short years came at such a critical time in a woman’s life, they could mean everything. There were more and more women getting pregnant well into their forties, but Ivana wasn’t sure she would be one of them. She’d missed her opportunity.

  Of course, she could always adopt, just as Lilo had. She’d lost count of the number of children who’d been orphaned in the few years she’d been in Haiti. It would be a blessing to raise just one of them.

  But she didn’t want to do it alone. If she ever got the chance to raise a child, she would want to do so with Jonathan at her side.

  As if she’d conjured him simply by thinking about him, her cell rang and his name lit up the screen. Ivana fitted the phone between her shoulder and ear while she continued to push Elsie on the swing.

  “Hey there,” she answered.

  “Hey there yourself,” he replied. His rich voice triggered goosebumps that instantly formed on her skin.

  “Are you doing any better?” she asked. “Or have you been spending more time in the garden?”

  “No garden time for me today. I was hoping I’d have some Ivana time.”

  Heat shot down her spine, her pulse quickening as she permitted herself a millisecond to indulge in a fantasy she had no business thinking about in the middle of the day. She knew this was risky, allowing herself to feel these feelings again. But how could she say no? Being the object of Jonathan Campbell’s affection again was like a drug, heady and exciting and just a little bit dangerous.

  “So, do you have time for me?” he asked.

  She gave Elsie another push. “What about Ivana time, plus one little girl?”

  “Higher!” Elsie yelled.

  He paused. Then, “Where are you?”

  “Cabrini Playground. I’m on babysitting duty.”

  “Are you babysitting for Sienna?”

  “I said one little girl, not a couple of adorable demons and a colicky baby.” She laughed. “I’m watching Lilo’s daughter while she’s out on a photo shoot.”

  “Lilo’s daughter? What did I miss?”

  His incredulity was yet another indication he’d cut himself off from everything that reminded him of her. Although, Sienna didn’t know about Lilo’s daughter either, so maybe it was her old roommate who’d cut herself off.

  “I’ll explain once you get here,” Ivana said.

  She ended the call with Jonathan and pulled back on the swing’s coated chains, halting its forward motion.

  “What do you say we hit the slides?” Ivana asked.

  “Yes!” Elsie jumped off the swing. She turned and planted her hands on her bony hips. “Were you talking to your boyfriend on the phone?”

  Ivana felt herself blush. It was downright pitiful that a grown woman would have such a reaction to a little girl’s innocent question.

  “He’s a really good friend,” she answered.

  Elsie gave her a look that was wise beyond her years. What kind of stuff had Lilo allowed this little one to watch on television? It had been nearly forty years since she was Elsie’s age, but Ivana was sure she’d had no concept of boyfriend and girlfriend back then.

  They had only been at the slide/jungle gym/rock climbing contraption for ten minutes when a sleek, black Tesla parallel parked in one of the spots on Dauphine Street. Ivana couldn’t quell the frantic beating of her heart even if she tried.

  She didn’t try. She loved this feeling. Craved it. Just being near him brought about the most exhilarating rush she’d felt in ages.

  Jonathan walked up to them dressed in basketball pants and a long-sleeved Philadelphia 76ers T-shirt. The sight of him in a tailored suit made her mouth water, but this? This made her knees buckle and caused her nipples to grow tight.

  She knew the kind of mood he was in right now: chilled and relaxed. How many Saturdays had she spent with him dressed like this, cradled against him as they lay together on his couch? He would slip a hand inside her shirt and caress her breasts until she stripped out of her clothes and straddled him.

  A delicious shudder pulsed through her.

  “Hello,” Jonathan greeted, planting a chaste kiss on her cheek. His smile had her wondering if he could tell what she’d been thinking, but then he turned his attention to Elsie.

  “Who do we have here?”

  Elsie proudly provided her name, then immediately remarked on Jonathan’s height. Before he could reply, she began to prattle on about the book her mother was currently reading to her about a little boy who wouldn’t stop growing. Ivana couldn’t get a word in edgewise as Jonathan stood there conversing with the five-year-old as if they were old friends.

  Elsie placed her hand in his and guided him to the jungle gym. He picked her up, placed her on the colorful playground equipment’s highest peak, then instructed her to fall into his arms. Elsie stretched her arms out as he hoisted her into the air, flying her around as if she were an airplane.

  A wave of bittersweet longing overwhelmed Ivana as she observed the two of them. He would have made such an amazing father.

  Her eyes never leaving them, Ivana backed up until she reached the swings. She settled into one and slowly rocked back and forth, laughing when Elsie yelled at Jonathan to lift her higher. Lilo had better watch it. She had a potential high-wire walker on her hands.

  “Don’t tell me you had to call for backup?”

  Ivana twisted on the swing, turning to find her old roommate walking toward her.

  “No, I did not,” she answered with a laugh. “Backup arrived of his own accord.”

  Lilo took the swing to her right. She gestured toward Jonathan and Elsie.

  “So, how is that going?” she asked.

  “Can’t you tell? Elsie had him wrapped around her little finger within two seconds of meeting her.”

  “You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” Lilo said.

  Yes, she did know. But she was unsure how to answer the question.

  “It’s hard to say,” she answered honestly. “We aren’t the same people we were three years ago—we’ll never be those people—so it’s not as if things can ever be the same.”

  It was hard not to squirm under Lilo’s scrutiny. After a few uncomfortable moments, her friend said, “You still love him.”

  It was a statement, not a question.

  Once again, Ivana decided to go with honesty. “I never stopped.”

  She met Lilo’s sad smile with one of her own. But then her friend’s face brightened.

  “Hey there, handsome,” Lilo said, rising from the swing to meet Jonathan, who carried Elsie on his shoulders. “It’s been too long.”

  “I’d say so,” Jonathan said. “I didn’t know anything about my new girlfriend here.”

  “I’m not your girlfriend. You’re too old,” Elsie said.

  Ivana laughed so hard she nearly fell off the swing. She rose and walked over to where the others stood. “I agree, he is a bit old,” she said.

  “Hey!” Jonathan’s affronted expression sent them all into a fit of laughter.

  “How about you call him Uncle Jonathan,” Lilo said. She turned to Ivana. “Thanks for coming through for me. Based on my best estimation, I should be able to call on you at least another dozen times to make up
for lost babysitting duty.”

  “I’m not keeping count,” Ivana said, smoothing a hand down the five-year-old’s braided hair. She place a kiss on Elsie’s cheek, then did the same to Lilo’s before mother and daughter took off for Lilo’s Volkswagen Bug.

  “That is one adorable little girl,” Ivana said as she watched them walk away.

  “One would never know she was adopted,” Jonathan said from just behind her. She could feel his breath on her neck. “She’s the spitting image of Lilo, both in looks and personality.”

  “Lord help the world.” Ivana laughed.

  Jonathan captured her shoulders and tugged her a couple of steps back, guiding her to the swing she’d vacated moments ago. He pulled back slightly on the chains. “You game?”

  She looked at him over her shoulder, delighting in the mischievous glint in his eyes. She nodded and braced herself.

  He hauled the corded chain back even more and then gave her backside a firm push. Ivana went soaring in the air, the wind whipping across her face as she swung like a pendulum. He put a bit more into every push, sending the swing at least six feet into the air. She kicked her legs, relishing the carefree feeling. In this moment, for the first time in so very long, she felt pure, unadulterated joy. It was as if all the anxiety and pain of the past few years had melted away. God, how she missed this feeling.

  “Don’t!” she squealed when Jonathan started to push her even higher.

  “Be a daredevil.”

  “What if I slip off?” she called over her shoulder.

  He halted her mid-swing, catching her by the waist and wrapping an arm around her middle. “I’m here to catch you,” he whispered against her ear.

  That shudder ran through her again, hotter and more intense than before.

  He released her far too soon, launching her forward with a giant push. Ivana let out a gleeful peal as she tipped her head back and smiled at his upside down form.

  “Okay, that’s enough swinging,” she said, allowing the swing’s momentum to slow to a stop.

  Jonathan rounded the front of the swing and grabbed onto the coated chains. He leaned forward, encasing her in a cocoon made of his broad shoulders and chest. A sweet, gentle gleam shone in his eyes.

  “You’re beautiful when you let go like this,” he said.

  His words triggered an unexpected rush of heat. He would tell her the same thing when she let herself go during another activity they used to engage in. Ivana squeezed her thighs together, remembering the pleasure she would experience when she handed herself over to him completely and left him in charge of her pleasure.

  “I missed hearing your laugh,” Jonathan said.

  “And I missed hearing yours,” she said. “It was a joy to watch you laughing with Elsie. You would make a wonderful father, Jonathan.”

  He ran his hand along her jaw. “Do you have any idea how much I wanted to have a baby with you?”

  Ivana shut her eyes and felt a tear roll down her face. The pad of his thumb brushed across her cheek, wiping it away.

  “Don’t,” he said.

  She opened her eyes and tried her hardest to smile, but she was unable to staunch the bittersweet regret that threatened to overwhelm her. They stared at each other for several long, quiet moments. No words needed to be said. They both knew exactly what the other was thinking, what they were remembering, what they were regretting.

  Time lost. Missed opportunities. What could have been.

  “We’re not supposed to talk about this stuff, remember?” Jonathan said. “If we only have this short time together, I want to spend it creating new memories with you, not thinking about the past. Is that still okay for you?”

  She nodded.

  “Good,” he said. He pressed his lips against the crest of her cheekbone, kissing away the tear that escaped. He brought his mouth to hers.

  “Because I’d rather do this than talk,” he said before connecting his lips to hers.

  Horrified, Ivana covered her mouth with her hand as she read through another firsthand account of day-to-day life provided by people from Nicolas’s community. All were anonymous and all were devastatingly heartbreaking. She couldn’t imagine having to live in constant fear of being ripped away from her loved ones.

  She struggled to swallow past the lump of emotion in her throat while reading the story of a young mother who was afraid to bring her sick daughter to the hospital after rumors of ICE raids began to circulate around the neighborhood. To her astonishment, a number of the atrocities detailed in the letters occurred years ago, well before she left for Haiti. Ivana had prided herself on helping this city’s most vulnerable residents. To know that she’d been here and had no idea this was going on ate at her conscience.

  “I don’t know what you’re reading, but it must be pretty intense.”

  Ivana brought a startled hand to her chest at the interruption. She’d become so engrossed in the testimonial that she wasn’t aware LaKeisha had even entered the office until the receptionist was standing in front of her desk.

  “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you,” LaKeisha said. “Just came in to ask a favor. I’m heading to City Hall to look up a few things for Harrison’s case. I won’t be gone long, but I’m expecting a package to come by courier. If it arrives while I’m away, can you please sign for it? Jonathan needs the documents this afternoon.”

  “Sure, no problem,” Ivana said. She returned her attention to the sheaf of loose-leaf papers in her hands, but after a few moments, looked up to find LaKeisha still standing there, a soft smile crinkling her eyes at the corners.

  “Is there something else?” Ivana asked.

  She shook her head, but then said, “Actually, yes, there is. Thank you.”

  She tilted her head to the side. “For what?”

  “Making my boss happy again,” LaKeisha said. “Personally, I thought he was a fool for hiring you to work on this project, but he’s a pleasant fool when you’re around, and for that, I’m thankful. Just remember what I said. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a fight. I’m primed and ready.”

  “Put your boxing gloves away,” Ivana said, her lips quirking up with her smile. “I already told you I won’t give you a reason to fight me.”

  “Damn,” LaKeisha said, snapping her fingers.

  She laughed, but once she was alone again, Ivana put her elbows on the desk and covered her face in her palms.

  What was she was doing here? Other than trying to have her cake and eat it too?

  If she were as decent a human being as she professed to be, she would have turned Jonathan down when he approached her with his proposition. Because even though the very foundation of this thing they had going was predicated on the assumption that she would be returning to Haiti soon—that he wouldn’t be caught off guard the way he’d been three years ago—she couldn’t guarantee that Jonathan wouldn’t be hurt again.

  Maybe he was right. Maybe, this time, it would be different. It wasn’t up to her whether or not he would be hurt in the end. He had just as much control over the outcome as she did.

  They’d both entered into this with eyes wide open, agreeing to push all their previous baggage to the side and just enjoy each other’s company for the next few weeks. Ivana had to admit that they were off to an enchanting start.

  Last night’s visit to Cooter Brown’s for fries covered in gravy and cheese—her absolute favorite late-night cheat treat—had been their third date this week. They’d started with the movies Monday night, and then dinner at a new Jamaican restaurant on Wednesday. Last night, when they left the bar in the city’s Black Pearl neighborhood and stopped for ice cream at Angelo Brocato—another favorite—it had felt like old times.

  But it was an illusion. They were only pretending this unencumbered bliss was the real thing because it would make it easier when she returned to Haiti.

  But what if she didn’t go back?

  That was still a question she had yet to answer. She’d received an email from her sup
ervisor at Operation: Heal just this morning, inquiring about her physical and mental health. Patience had ended the email with a reminder that Ivana’s three years in Haiti was twice as long as most volunteers put in and that it would be perfectly acceptable if she chose not to return.

  If she didn’t know better, Ivana would question whether or not Patience liked having her there. But she knew the woman was only looking out for her. As the person who’d found her clutching her chest and doubled over in pain, Patience had borne witness to the toll the grueling relief work had taken on Ivana’s body.

  She was proud of what she’d accomplished in Haiti, but she knew it was time to move on.

  If only she could decide what she wanted to move on to.

  Maybe you can do this?

  No, she couldn’t. She absolutely could not work here full-time. Once everything was in place, Jonathan would need to hire someone well-versed in immigration law to head this up. But in the process of what she’d originally considered just a passion project, she’d discovered she had a bit of a knack for organization and project management. Maybe she could find a worthwhile association that would allow her to utilize her skills?

  She was doing the right thing by keeping her potential plans to herself. Heck, she wasn’t even sure she knew what those plans were just yet. When the time came to make a decision, it was possible she would decide that returning to New Orleans wasn’t for her. It wasn’t as if she had to come back to her hometown if she lived stateside again. As long as she was close enough so that she could visit and not miss out on any more important family milestones, that’s what mattered. Why get Jonathan’s hopes up if she wasn’t going to live here?

  Ivana went back to the accounts she’d been reading. She wanted to include short quotes and anecdotes in the final proposal she put together for Jonathan. She’d just set the phone down so that she could run to the break room for a bottle of water when her phone started to buzz with Sienna’s ring tone.

  “Hey, what’s up?” Ivana said, answering the video call. She squinted at the screen. “Why does it look as if you’re on an airplane?”