Return to Me Page 13
“I…” Ivana hesitated. “For another month or so, I guess.”
“That long! Awesome! Then I know I’ll see you around. I’m sure Toby and Sienna will have another party soon. Or someone in my family. You know us Holmeses love to get together.”
“I’ve always loved that about your family,” Ivana said. “I’ve missed it. I’ve missed all of you.”
“I know I speak for everyone when I say we are happy to have you back for however long we get to have you,” Indina said before departing for the other side of the warehouse.
Ivana turned to Jonathan and was struck by the intensity in his gaze. When he spoke, his voice held a collection of emotions: curiosity, impatience.
Hope.
His eyes boring into hers, he asked, “If you’ve missed us so much, why go back?”
“Forget I asked that.”
Jonathan took off for the other side of the building where Indina was busy capturing images of the floors, exposed brick walls, and thick, two-story concrete columns with her phone.
What in the hell was wrong with him? Why’d he even think it was okay to ask Ivana that question?
There was just something about watching her as she ambled around the empty warehouse, recounting that enchanting week they’d spent together in London. It had knocked him off his game. Listening to her talk about their visit to White’s evoked memories he’d worked too damn hard to keep buried.
It usually hurt too much to remember, but today it felt different. Today those memories didn’t have the same sting.
“I think I have everything I need for now,” Indina said. “I’ll come up with a few computer animations and bring them to your office later this week.”
“That sounds good,” Jonathan said. He nodded toward the entrance. “We’ll follow you out.”
“Wait.” Ivana grabbed his jacket sleeve. “Can we stay for a bit longer?”
“Stay,” Indina said. “I can see myself out.”
Ivana continued to grip his jacket as they waited for Indina to leave. Only after they were alone in the cavernous warehouse did she finally let go, taking a couple of steps to the right to create space between them.
“It’s such a beautiful structure,” she said. “Would you mind giving me a tour?”
He should have come up with an excuse as to why he absolutely could not remain in this building with her. The temptation to forget all the reasons why he shouldn’t want her grew with every minute they were together.
Yet, despite the agony being in her presence wrought, lately Jonathan found himself not wanting to be anywhere else. It was masochistic in a way, the pain and pleasure he derived just being near her. Ivana Culpepper had always been more addicting to him than any drug.
As far as he was concerned, this new “let’s just be friends” thing they’d been trying for the past two days was a farce. When it came to Ivana, he wanted her to be his everything or nothing at all.
“I understand if you need to get back to the office,” she said. “I was just hoping that you could show me around since we’re here.”
“No, it’s fine,” Jonathan said. “You heard what LaKeisha said before we left. My afternoon is completely free.”
He stuffed both hands into his pockets to resist the urge to capture hers. The gesture beckoned too many memories of their evening strolls along the Mississippi River levee, or around the duck pond in Louis Armstrong Park.
“Did my fascination with White’s really influence your decision to open this new club?” Ivana asked as they began their slow perusal of the warehouse.
“Yes,” he admitted. “You’re the inspiration behind the entire thing.”
She stopped walking. Jonathan looked over to find her staring at him with a look of pure astonishment.
“What?” he asked.
“I still can’t believe you would own up to that,” she said. “Even if it is true.”
“Why would you think it isn’t true?”
She hunched her shoulder. “It just seems as though you hate me too much to ever—”
“Don’t. Please, stop saying that,” Jonathan pleaded. He pinched the bridge of his nose, striving to tamp down the sheer torment her remark elicited. “I already told you that I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, Ivana.”
He regarded her with raw honesty. “But I tried.”
Hands still shoved in his pockets, he stepped back until he could rest against the distressed brick wall. “I tried my hardest to hate you. I couldn’t stand to be around anything that even reminded me of you.”
She winced, then crossed her arms over her chest, hugging her upper body.
“Is that why so many of the things I picked out in the law office are gone?” she asked.
Jonathan struggled to swallow. He nodded.
“It became impossible to walk into that place every day when so much of you remained there. Anything you’d touched was a reminder of what you’d done. So, yeah.” He ran both hands down the front of his tie, smoothing out the blue silk. “I made it my mission to erase everything about you from my life. I stopped going to our favorite restaurants, stopped seeing our mutual friends. I even stopped looking at the TV shows we used to watch together. I went an entire year without seeing a single Law & Order rerun. Do you know how hard that is to do?” he added with a grin, a poor attempt to lessen the tension drumming between them.
“But I don’t understand,” Ivana said. “If you spent all this time trying to erase me from your life, why did you decide to open a club that would be a constant reminder of…well, of me?”
Jonathan shoved his hands back into his pockets so she couldn’t see him clenching and unclenching his fists. He shifted his feet, nervous energy vibrating from his core out to his extremities.
“Because once I came to terms with what happened three years ago, I realized that I could never be happy if I shut you completely out of my life,” he finally admitted. He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, afraid it would tremble if he didn’t. “I also realized that I liked the person I became once I found you, Ivana. You made me a better man. And when you left?” He shook his head. “I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. In fact, I hated what I’d become.”
“Goodness, Jonathan.” Her voice quivered. Her eyes…they held such sadness. “I know it will never be enough, but I truly am sorry for what I did to you.”
It was the anguish in her voice that did it. It shattered the armor he’d placed around his heart, destroying the last dregs of resentment he’d fought so fiercely to hang on to.
He couldn’t do this anymore. He could not stand here and pretend he wasn’t falling in love with her again. That he’d ever fallen out of love with her.
“Stop apologizing,” he said. “It happened. It’s done. And I know that you’re sorry. You don’t have to keep apologizing.”
Jonathan knew that wasn’t enough. There was one thing she needed above all else, one thing that would assuage the genuine misery he’d observed in her since her return.
She wanted his forgiveness.
He could do it. He could say the words and take away the pain in her eyes. But would he really mean it?
No, he wouldn’t. He wasn’t there yet. If he spoke the words to her, they would be empty.
“I’m not as angry as I once was,” he said instead.
Her eyes widened with cautious hope, the luminous brown orbs taking on a doe-like appearance. Jonathan took a step toward her, then another. His eyes roamed her face.
“I wish I could be,” he admitted. “I’ve been trying so damn hard to fight this. But having you here, remembering how things were when we were together…” He shook his head. “It’s been so much harder than I ever thought it would be.”
“I know,” she whispered. “For me too.”
He brought his hand up and smoothed it down her thick, naturally curly hair.
“I don’t want to fight it anymore, Ivana.”
He shoved his fingers into her hair, holding the bac
k of her head steady as his lips closed over hers. Everything he knew and loved came back to him with that first taste. It was a taste he’d come to cherish, to rely on. A taste that had once filled his world with joy.
A taste he thought he’d never get the chance to experience again.
But here they were, succumbing to the unbelievable chemistry that could never be denied.
He opened his mouth over hers and played at the edges of her lips, coaxing them to part even further so he could sink even deeper into her kiss. Strengthening his grasp on her head, Jonathan spun them around and walked them the two steps back that would bring Ivana’s back against the wall.
The soft mewl that escaped her lips sent a rush of fire shooting through his veins. He deepened the kiss even more, thrusting his tongue into her mouth and sweeping it along hers. He brought both hands up to her cheeks and cradled her face between his palms, holding her still while he tasted his fill.
How had he gone so long without this? How had he survived without experiencing the incredible sweetness of her lips on his, the feel of her body pressed up against his? With this one amazing kiss, he’d found everything that had been missing in his life.
Jonathan brought his hands down to her waist and cradled it, his hand practically spanning the entirety of her slim waist. He mentally saw his hands moving upward, but knew he couldn’t go there. If his palms found their way to her breasts, he wouldn’t be responsible for what happened next.
Instead, with reluctance, he pulled away.
He rested his forehead against hers, their shallow breaths mingling as they both tried to recover from the mind-blowing kiss.
“God, I’ve missed this,” Jonathan breathed.
When he lifted his head he almost smiled at Ivana’s shell-shocked expression. He understood. That kiss had sent a seismic jolt zipping through his veins, shocking the hell out of him too.
His breaths still labored, Jonathan backed up a couple of steps. She looked as if she needed some space.
Actually, she looked seconds away from bolting.
She was spooked. He saw it in the dazed, panicked look in her eyes.
“We…uh…we should get back to the office,” she said, running a shaking hand through her hair.
“Ivana—” He started to reach for her but thought better of it, remembering what happened the last time she’d been this triggered. He didn’t want to send her running again.
“Yeah. Okay,” Jonathan said. “We should probably get back.”
She scuttled around him, making a beeline for the door.
If not for the bluesy notes from Gary Clark Jr’s electric guitar coming through the Tesla’s sound system, the ride back to the office would have been completed in total silence. The moment he pulled into his parking spot at the law office, Ivana rushed from the car and into the building. She was already in her office by the time he entered the parlor. She remained there for the rest of the day.
Jonathan spent the remainder of his afternoon in equal parts reliving that kiss and debating whether or not to go to her. As much as his body clamored for him to be near her again, something even stronger warned him against moving too fast. Not just for Ivana’s sake, but for his own.
He needed to take a step back and evaluate the feelings fomenting within him. Were they simply a reaction to old memories being resurrected, or did this go deeper? Was his willingness to overlook her past transgression a gateway to forgetting what she’d done?
No way. Not a chance.
The devastation of her betrayal and its resulting scars would remain with him until he breathed his final breath. He would never be in danger of forgetting.
But should he allow her betrayal to continue to rule his life? It had robbed him of joy for three long years. What did it mean for them—for what could become of them—now that he’d made the decision to no longer harbor all this resentment?
Jonathan leaned his head back against the headrest and stared up at the plaster ceiling, his mind grappling with the implications of that kiss.
And wondering when he could kiss her again.
Chapter Eight
“You don’t have to go in today.”
Ivana tossed the belted maxi dress she’d planned to wear onto the chair, and plopped down on the mattress, burying her face in her hands.
Yes, she did have to go in. If she didn’t show up at Campbell & Holmes, Jonathan would instantly know it was because she was too cowardly to face him after that kiss they’d shared yesterday.
She fell back onto the bed and covered her eyes with her forearm, breathing through the duration of the full-body shudder that surged within her at the mere thought of that kiss. Tasting his lips again, having his tongue brush against her own; it had kindled a yearning that Ivana knew would not go away anytime soon.
And she thought the regret she’d endured up until this point was intense? It was nothing compared to what she would suffer now that she’d had the chance to savor Jonathan’s incredible mouth again. The prospect of facing him today made her want to crawl into bed. Because she knew what his response would be. He would say that they’d gotten caught up in the moment. That yesterday was a mistake. That it could never happen again.
And, once again, she would have to come to terms with what she’d had, and what she’d lost.
That voice in her head pleaded with her not to go into the office, but she’d allowed fear to dictate her actions three years ago and the only thing she’d gain from it was heartache. If only she’d been smart enough to ignore that same voice when it cornered her the week before their aborted wedding, she wouldn’t be in the predicament in which she now found herself.
It was funny the way the mind worked. Despite knowing that Jonathan was the polar opposite of her first husband, Ivana had become convinced that if she went through with the wedding, she would lose her identity in the same way she had after marrying Michael. In the weeks before the wedding, she’d found herself waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, true terror overwhelming her.
She’d told Jonathan she was possibly coming down with something and had offered to move from their bed to the couch. He wouldn’t hear of it. He’d told her if she was sick on their wedding day, he wanted to be sick right there with her. That’s how much he’d loved her.
Yet she’d run away from him.
But not this time. She would find her damn backbone and face the consequences of yesterday’s kiss.
When she arrived at the office an hour later, she discovered the entire place empty, save for LaKeisha.
“Something came up in arbitration on a case Harrison’s been working on. Jonathan went to back him up,” LaKeisha informed her. “Nicolas should be in soon.”
“Good,” Ivana said. “I have a few things I wanted to run past him. I’ll be in my office.”
She stopped short. It was the first time she’d attached any kind of ownership to the space she’d been assigned while working here. She had to be careful. This was a temporary undertaking; it was foolhardy to ascribe any type of permanence to this job.
See what happens after one simple little kiss?
Okay, so maybe simple wasn’t the most accurate description. Once you found yourself flush against a wall with a gorgeous man’s tongue down your throat, simple could no longer be applied.
“Can you let me know when Nicolas gets in?”
“Will do.” Ivana started for her office, but stopped and turned when LaKeisha called after her. “Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
The receptionist brought her elbows up on her desk and rested her chin against her balled fist. “How are things going between you and Jonathan?”
“Uh, okay, I guess,” she answered, her brow furrowing at the abrupt subject change.
“I only ask because he seemed…I don’t know…more relaxed when the two of you came back from meeting with Indina yesterday. It was the same this morning. I wondered if you had anything to do with his new attitude?”
“I’m not trying to get in your business or anything,” LaKeisha said. She picked up a pen and tapped it against the edge of the old-fashioned logbook she kept on her desk.
“Okay, so maybe I am,” she said. “You know I’ve been with him a long time, so I’ve witnessed the many phases Jonathan has been through.” There was a trace of accusation in her voice. “The worst I’ve ever seen him was in the months after you left.”
For the first time all week, Ivana experienced a touch of the hostility she’d been subjected to when she first came to work here.
“I’ll be honest, when I found out you were back in town, I wanted to strangle you,” the receptionist continued. “Not so much for what happened before—he’s finally past that, thank goodness. I was more concerned about you waltzing back into his life and turning it upside down again.”
“That was never my intention,” Ivana said.
“I don’t care what your intentions were. What I do know is that you devastated him three years ago. And if it happens again, I will come and find you, and we will fight, Ivana. I’m as serious as a heart attack.”
Despite her discomfort, Ivana couldn’t help but smile. “He’s so lucky to have someone like you looking out for him.”
“Damn right he’s lucky.” LaKeisha tossed the pen on her desk and sat back in her chair, cocking her head to the side. “Did you know that I have a degree in Business?” she asked.
Ivana shook her head.
“I was only supposed to be here for the summer after I finished college, just so I could earn enough money to go to grad school.”
“Why did you choose to stay?”
“Well, it definitely wasn’t for the ridiculous workload. Believe it or not, it wasn’t even for the obscene amount of money I get paid to handle that workload,” LaKeisha said. “My main reason for working here all these years is out of extreme loyalty to Jonathan. I love that man like a brother.” She grinned. “If he were standing here I would say I love him like a really, really older brother.” Her expression became more earnest. “I would do anything for him, Ivana. Just…don’t hurt him again. I’m begging you. I never want to see him suffer the way he did the first time you left.”